perspective

have you ever got the feeling that at a particular moment, that a particular situation had took a change of direction, well that is how i feel about a certain situation in my life, life nothing will ever be the same, and it is really bothering me, but at the end of the day there is nothing that I can do about it. Sigh.... kinda ending this year on an off note, and its so crazy because to me i started it on an amazing note, i remember bringing in the new year with a special someone at church and boy did i have a great experience, made me friends, got a good word, heard good music, i couldn't have brought in the year any different. The month of feb things started to get really hard because i had to say good bye to someone and things just took a tumble from there, and i have been trying to pick myself back up ever since. Don't get me wrong i have come a LONG way since then, but for some reason i just seem stuck in this hole that wants to consume me, and some days I want to let it, but the fighter in me won't let it.

360 FULL CIRCLE

today i read my 1st post that i ever wrote and damn I have came full circle, back where i started but under different circumstances, its just so much is happening at once, and don't get me wrong i consider myself to be a strong person but dang, i feel myself slowly cutting off from everything and everyone, and its sad, because the people that want to help me and be there for me, i push them the furthest away. I think its time that i just try and regroup, sometimes i wish that life was kind of like the movie " equilbrium" and everyone had to get their daily shots, emotions are a beautiful thing but they can also destroy and corrupt a human being. Sigh............. its crazy one of the main things that is bothering me, involves someone that I should be able to talk to but i can't, because its like i already know what they are going to say, and i refuse to accept that answer.

mystery man

my dreams have been very interesting lately, they have been consumed with a mystery man, i don't really know how to honestly describe him, but last night in my dreams, he was wearing dark gray sweatpants with a black wife beater and a black hoodie, usually in my other dreams his face is covered by some type of mask, but in this dream the hoodie did the trick. The thing that really attracts me to this man, is that he is able to make me feel certain ways without even the slightest physical touch. Im not quite sure how to describe it, but have you ever had the sound of someones voice or the way they look at you send a tingle throughout your body, well he does that too me. It's almost as if he is making love to my mind or soul. In my dreams his presence gives off this massive security blanket and his touch is strong but gentle. He's never in a rush always takes his time, to make sure that I experience and appreciate our moment.

random

so as im sitting here thinking ive come to the conclusion that I am a fickle person because I don't receive the little things in life. Like everyone is so focus on the big things that they remove the value from the little things. Whatever happen to a person taking the time out to write you a letter and truly expressing themselves to you, no people hide behind text messages and facebook.

Thinking.....

So lately through my many combos and interactions with people the concept of " no one wants to be alone" has been introduced. I agree with this concept 110% but the funny thing is that the actions of myself and others speak otherwise. Some claim, that they have a fear of frying hurt, some claim that remaining with one person gets boring after a while, some claim that they haven't found " the one " yet, whatever the case may be, there is always a reason for why a particular person is single. Lol its funny because as I'm writing this, Alicia Key's Unthinkable is blasting in the background.

Forgiveness

Today, I learned that you have to let go of pain, because in the end all it will do is eat at you and possibily destroy whatever goodness is left in you. So with that said, i forgive anyone who has ever hurt me or done wrong to me

hiatus mode

catch back up with you guys 2011, be good and stay out of trouble :)

Venting

Whew..... This has been an interesting couple of weeks, moments of which I both love to relive and forget. Today I realized that their is something that I need to pray long and hard about.. And I hope that my prayers honestly reach this person because they mean a lot to me, even if I don't mean the same to them.

When keeping it real goes wrong

Omg is the only appropriate way to start off this blog. Is there a such thing as keeping it too real...... I'm still on the fence when it comes to this topic. Recently ibfound out some things and it has caused me to just question a lot of things and people. I hate the unknown and not being sure of things, sigh..... I'm so ready for this season to either be over or at least a lot clearer.......



TO BE CONTINUED

random

lol, i really need to learn to keep up with this, I am mad lazy, but it is all good, at the end of the day, because i doubt that anyone really takes the time to read this. So life has been good for the most part and that is all that a person can really ask for. God is truly blessing and watching over me everyday, and I am very thankful for it. I love my family with all my heart and wouldn't change any of them for the world, well execpt for one person and they shall remain nameless. School is the same, but I got accepted into two nursing programs, so I am very excited about that and can't wait to see where life is going to take me. I am very thankful for everything that I have and everything that comes my way. This blog is just to give you a brief overview of my life and recent events I will probably come back to this later and update it, at my convience, until then deuces.

At then end of the day you just honestly have to look out for you and you alone because people are back stabbers and you can't trust no one. It's cool though just another lesson learned that will never be forgotten

How I'm feeling

Tired of being strong for everyone else, wondering when someone is going to be strong for me

if i were a boy

LOL, I know that there have been many songs made about this particular topic and there will probably be many more songs to come. honestly though if i was a boy, i would be a complete jerk, and i mean that lol. I'm saying i would probably never have that chance again, i might as well, use it to my full advantage and see what it is like being a guy. Guys are able to get away with so much stuff at the end of the day, its like they are genetically gifted at lying and all other types of negative things. Now don't get me wrong there are a handful of good guys out there but they are very rare and then some of the rare ones are being damaged by bad girls.



TO BE CONTINUED.......

The dark knight

lately i have had this new found obession with Batman, im not really sure where it came from or when it happen, but regardless its here now. I've always viewed Batman as the superhero that everyone can relate to, because he does not have any powers, he's just your every day human being. But what makes him different from just any regular joe, is that he has a purpose, and that is to rid the world of BAD GUYS, by any means necessary. I think the thing that i admire about his character most, is his lack of need for human connection. Batman is able to function as a independent unit and yet somehow he is still emotionally satisfied. Maybe it is because his mother and father were never able to fully teach him the value of human contact, because they were taken away from him at an early age.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

Different

I'm not really sure when the change happen but there is something different about me kinda like a disconnect, and I can't explain it at all but I guess my music playlist can speak for me......

LOVE

a sensitive and close topic to me. hmmmm where do i even start.... lol i guess first with the fact that I am just completely made up of love, i mean it is apart of my every being, it is an emotion that i will never be a stranger to, it has been both my friend and my enemy, but at the end of the day it is still apart of me. I view love as a  new born baby, something that has to be handled with care, and i feel that sometimes people don't do that, even myself. Recently i have shifted my love from others to myself and OMG, it is a beautiful thing, to just love yourself and know your worth. To know that there are two people who love me unconditionally, GOD and myself. Its crazy how not to long ago the lack of love almost destroyed me and now the abundance of love is bringing me back to life. The reason why i believe that love is so strong within me, is because GOD is love and that has always been my connection with him. Even when i didn't acknowledge his presence, he has always and will always be apart of me and that my friends is a beautiful thing. So when i love others, that is sort of my way of sharing GOD with them, and not so much in a smothering way ( lol even though i can do that sometimes; sorry), but in a way where i will try to be there for you, whenever you need me, and i will be your shoulder to cry on and other things. now in NO WAY am i saying that I am GOD, never would i say that, but what I am saying is that my love does come from him because he gave it to me. :) so with that said I love you all :)

Been gone for a minute but im back

Yea, so i've been gone for a minute but i'm back, had a lot going on these past couple of weeks, but all that matters is that im able to write this in high spirits with a smile on my face. My goal is just to enjoy life and make both myself and GOD happy, of course GOD first, because in making him happy i will defintely be happy. Life is really short and you just never know what tomorrow may bring, so don't let others stress you and even though its hard try not to worry over things that you can't control. Love to the fullest and laugh and smile every chance you get, i wish you all blessing and that GOD watch over you and take care of you love ya

GOD answers prayers

I would be lying if I told you that GOD doesn't answer prayers, I have watched the life of my lil sister, or someone who is close to me like a sister turn around. I am so very happy for her and her new situation, there were many nights of tears and other things, but at the end of it all she came out on top and that is all that matters. GOD IS TRULY GOOD! And I pray and hope that he continues to bless her in her situation :)

New Perspective

Today I came upon a new perspective to look at a current trial that I have been going through. I originally thought that it was a punishment for just everything bad that I have ever done, but today during prayer I realized how wrong I was. This trial was not a trial of punishment but a trial to help me focus on GOD. Every distraction was removed from my life so that I would be able to see and hear GOD more clearly. I guess the next question is do I? YES, YES, YES, I have talked to GOD more now, than I ever have, I say grace more, I pray more, I thank him more, I read his word, and so much more. These past couple of weeks has been just me and GOD and it is something that I will never forget and don't want to forget. Life is a nothing but a learning lesson and this was one of my greatest learning lessons and will be an ongoing lesson but I'm now able to see the beauty in this lesson. I am no longer a rebel trying to fight against the current called life. I now just embrace wherever the current wants to take me and im okay with that, because I know that GOD will be with me every step of the way. :) I'm getting better and I no longer have to prove it anymore, GOD will do it for me, his light will shine all around me and I will be a living testimony :)

Overcoming

I'm learning to overcome one of my biggest fears and that is being by myself, and that goes outside of just the whole relationship aspect but more to the core of just literally being in a room by myself and being okay. Through much trial and error I am learning to find peace in something that is highly taken for granted. I'm learning about the beauty and joy that is Megan, honestly it's almost like relearning yourself and as crazy as it sounds it is very therapeutic and will benefit me in the long run. So yea just wanted to share that with the world. Love you all and GOD bless

OMG

OMG, the worst thing in the world has happen to me..... I don't k ow how I am going to deal with this, ladies and gentlemen I have a freaking PAPER CUT.... Yes a PAPER CUT, and not one of those regular PAPER CUTS, the one that cuts almost close to the white meat. I mean really out of all the things that could happen to me this happens...... Lol nah but seriously I hope you all are having a bless day, I am just thought I would bring a smile to your face :)

A change is coming :).....

11:19

.......... The numbers speak for itself

Full-Metal Alchemist

LOL, i know this post is random, in comparison to all my other post, trust me I am still grounded in the Lord and participating in my walk with him everyday, I just thought that I would change things up for the moment, besides well I will let you find out for yourself :)........ Anyway i just finish watching both versions of Full-Metal Alchemist, and I have to say that it is truly a good anime. Of course I prefer the Brotherhood version over the regular version, and Im not sure if that is because it stayed more to the manga or if it is just because it was so real. And i mean not real in the sense of people using magic powers, but the relationships, interactions, and life lessons that the elric brothers had to learn. I have honestly found a new perspective on patience, understanding, growing up, responsibities, everything happens for a reason, and you can't play GOD, through this anime. Now of course that is what I got from it, im not sure what others will get from it, but I would suggest that you watch it, i really think that you will enjoy what it has to offer i know i did....

TO BE CONTINUED

Random

I don't really have a topic for this post, and I'm honestly not sure what to say....... I guess all there is to say is Thank you GOD! :)

Thank you GOD

Today as I was walking to the CPU lab I took an alternate route and I came across a gentelmen that was giving out copies of the bible. Even though I already had a copy I decided to take one anyway, I mean you can never have to many bibles. Anyway we sparked up a conversation and during that conversation he told me about philliphians 4:6-7. And man if that didn't speak to my situation, so thank you GOD for that message and I WILL not worry and I will pray about everything for you are already filling me with a peace that is unwavering. :)

GOD is no stranger to pain

Through out the day, I have been trying to keep in constant connection with GOD and during this time, I came to a personal conclusion that GOD is no stranger to pain. I use to think that because, just of the fact that he is a higher being and nothing can hurt him, but then I thought about what Jesus went through and how he was flesh for a short period of time. Jesus felt pain, all kinds of pain from physical to emotional. Pains that you and I go through on an everyday bases, so whatever it is that person is going through GOD can relate, and for some reason that gave me a calming feeling. That I pray to someone and belief to someone who has already gone through it and came out better than before. Of course in no way am I saying that I am anything like Jesus, it just feels good to know that he knows what Im going through

Made it through the night

By the grace of GOD, I made it through the night and I am very thankful. He kept me sane in all of my pain, hurt and confusion. I believe he held me as I fell asleep and I am very thankful for that. Now im just praying to make it through the day and to say focus and to just have faith in all that is going on in my life. GOD has never stop loving me through it all and he will continue to love me, especially in my darkess hour and I am very thankful for that as well. This thing called "life" is something interesting, honestly I have no words to describe it, I just know that it evokes alot of emotions within a person. Emotions that you never knew where there and I will label that as neither good or bad. I'm being taught right now, how HUMAN I am, how WEAK I am, and on any other given day I would say that those were bad things, but there not, because they help me to focus on something greater than myself, GOD. It allows me to see him for who he really is and to see myself for who I really am. Without him I am nothing and I believe that is my lesson, of course I could be wrong, but I think that is the purpose of this test. Not only to build faith and a relationship with him but to understand who he is and what he does for me everyday.

Testimony plz read

This is going to be one of the realest post that I have ever wrote, first of all I would just like to ask GOD to give me the strength to keep having faith and believing because only you can heal my pain and help me through this hard time. GOD I am so sorry for any pain or wrong that I have done to anyone, and the pain I'm going through now I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I honestly pray and hope that GOD removes the pain from everyone because I want you all to be happy. I'm writing this because I want anyone who is going through reading this to know that, things WILL get better, it may not seem like it, but it will, GOD is going to pull you through and he is GOING to bless you like no other. Give GOD all the pain and negativity and let him do a work in you. My friends we have to learn to dance in the rain, I'm serious get drench, GOD will be there every step o the way. He will never leave you or forsake you, you are his child. GOD I'm believing that you are going to make a way out of no way, your going to remove the hurt, and your going yo bless me beyond belief. In my darkess hour I'm going to pray more and believe harder. You are my everything LORD, and you are going yo see me through. So I'm going yo thank you in advance for bringing me out and I hope my testimony touches someone. In Jesus name I pray AMEN

shades

Being left in the dark is not a good feeling but I have been in this place so many times my eyes have adjusted to my surroundings. I don't mean the dark as in some negative bad place buy moreover a place of the unknown or better yet confusion. I know what your thinking, just go find the answer, but the catch is I am not the one who has the answers someone else does and well I will forever be in the dark until they choose to remove the shades from my eyes. So I guess all I can do is be patience and wait... GOD please grant me patience in my unknowing period. Give me the tools that I need to be able to withstand these conditions, please be my light in this darkness... AMEN

Calm waters

Right now I am in the midst of calm waters and it really feels good, school is going good, I've lost a little bit of wait, fixed an issued that I had going on with my hair, I pray A LOT more and that is always good. So yea I am very thankful and grateful for my small acomphlisments. I'm trying to take everything one step at a time and so far so good, I do have moments where I try to get ahead of myself but for the most part I do good. I have recently started kicking it with an old friend who is now like a little sister to me. I am very thankful that GOD placed her in my life because she has really been a light in these dark times an I of course try to return the favor...... I just want to take a moment and thank GOD for not giving up on me and bringing me a LONG way... It's funny because people will try to tell you that it's too soon to see growth but that is not true, because when you have GOD working in you and through you everyday anything can happen and my muster seed is now the size of a golf ball and I plan to continue to nourish it.

Another small step

Yesterday was actually a productive day, I learned that even though i think that my situation is bad, It could be worst off than what it already is. I reunited with an old friend, and Im glad I did, because now she is like a little sis to me. I came up with a very unique story for my creative writing class and just other productive things. I also learned that sometimes you have to grow in solitude, I mean don't get me wrong you need a good support group, but you can be so receptive to everyone's advice because it may just throw you off. Honestly the only advice that I'm trying to hear is GOD's, because he knows what is truly going to benefit me and knows what's best for me.

answered prayer

Earlier today I got down on my knees and I asked GOD to help my mustard seed (Faith), growth, I asked him to give me the strenght and motivation to continue to seek him and to continue to have faith in him and just believe, even when all odds seem like they are against me. Just 5 mins ago my mothe called me telling me that by the GRACE of GOD, she, my nephew and my brother avoided a major accident, she still doesn't know how it happen but she said had she but an inch to the left or right, they could have either been killed or badly injured. That was nothing but the POWER of GOD, and through that testimony my faith has now been grounded and from here on out it will flurish, so THANK YOU GOD for my answered prayer

Today was a good day

Today was a good day, my mother, nephew, and brother came to visit me in my apartment. It was the first time for all of them and it was a great time, my mom fixed all of my favorite dishes and helped me with a lot of stuff. Today made me realize that GOD is ALWAYS on time. Because he knew that I need their companionship this weekend and boy did it make a difference and I am very thankful for the blessign he gave me

Today has been both a good and somewhat not so good day. Not so good because I had a really bad nightmare which I will explain in a few, and not so go also because the feeling of loneliness came over my spirit. I'm so slowly but surely becoming stronger against it, it's just sometimes I have my moment but I keep reminding myself that GOD is with me, and the more I get to know him better, the closer he will come and then I won't feel lonely ever again. Now.... In reference to my dream, I'm not even sure where it came from because I feel asleep watching family guy. Anyway in my dream, the world was coming to an end and it was being destroyed by fire. Had I wrote this entry earlier I would have been able to tell you my dream in great detail, but I will try to hit the man things that happen. One of the images that is ingrained in my mind is the vision of the planes falling out of the sky as if they were raindrops destroying everything in it's path. I was in the car with my mother, brother and nephew. Crazy enough everyone was scared but my nephew for some reason, I picked him up and put him in my lap and I folded my hands over his and he and I began to recite the Lords prayer. After we said the Lords prayer, the sun exploded and everyone was burned alive. The scary thing is I could feel the heat when I woke up as if it really happened. I don't know what to make of that dream..... On to the good side of my day, I started taking this fat burner pills and I can really feel them working, maybe a little too much lol, also I bought myself a tv stand for my 32 inch tv. It's been a minute since I have spent money in myself so it felt good.

Small changes

So along with my spiritual journey that I just recently started I'm also try to incorporate other small changes with it. For instance, my physical change is just to try and work out more and eat healthy. Now this is easier said than done, because I love me some food lol. Nah but yesterday, I started my first workout regimen and it was difficult to say the least but I did at least put forth the effort and I plan on continuing with  the regimen whether I like it or not, because the outcome is what is important, a healthier me. I have also changed my eating habits quite a bit, for about a week now I have been drinking nothing but whatever, at first I had to force myself, but now its out of habit, it's like I feel weird if I don't have a bottle or cup of water near me. Will I ever drink juice again, probably so, but not anytime soon, I'm really trying to stick with this. Also I have started taking daily vitamins to assist where I lack in my daily intake of fruits and vegetables. So yea as you can see, Im taking baby steps, don't get me wrong i have slipped in the food area, like the other night I order chinese, but surpingsly, all I ate was the broccilli and when it came to the chicken and rice, I had to force myself to eat it, and i still have alot leftover so I guess, my body is actually starting to reject the so called food i once loved. I try to incorporate a salad at least once a day...... Ok enough about my physical journey, lets talk about my mental journey...... This journey consisted of breaking a lot of bad habits, such as what I watch on tv, who I surround myself with and other things of that nature. For instance I am normally a reality tv guru, anything reality tv, i know about it, and I watch it. Well recently I have began to catch myself watching this shows and I will change the channel to either something more productive or I will just do something else. I'm beginning to learn that these shows have had a negative effect on me, in reference to how I treat myself, others, and just constantly sitting there absorbing drama. So lately I have been watching more comedy and of course Spongebob Squarepants with the nephew :) Also I have been reading more and not just textbooks, more so inspirational books that can give me some insight on life and how to do deal with things as they. I will be honest I have never been one to just read the BIBLE and receive things the way others do. Now I do take certain scriptures and try and apply it to my daily life but that is about far as i go. I'm the type of person I learn more from an inspirational book that incorporates scriptures into an everyday life situation, like chicken soup for the soul, TD Jakes books, Joel Osteen books and others....... Wow i have written a lot, well i hope this gives you a little insight into the changes that are going on inside of me

Random

It's crazy as much as I claim I want to sleep in, my biological clock always seems to wake me up around 6:45 or 7:30. And i'm one of those types of people, once i'm up, i'm up. My goal for the end of this year is to try and get rid of my procrastination, or at least cut it down. Lol I remember when I use to call myself a motivated procrastinator, I know that sounds like it doesn't go together, but let it marinate for a second and I believe that you will figure it out. Anyway, so far I have been pretty good, with setting aside time everyday to give to the LORD. Because my schedule is so hectic its not the same time everyday but, no matter the hour, I try to give him, his alone or one or one time. I'm believing that the more I do this, the better my relationship with the Lord will grow. Even in these couple of days I am noticing a change in my prayers, I use to pray to ask for things and I still do, but not as much, now I more so try to give thanks, and try to just talk to him, and my prayers are now more focus on ME and not OTHERS. Don't get me wrong I still pray for my family, friends and loved ones, its just that is the point of this whole process, for ME to build a better relationship with him, so I have to attune the prayers to my spiritual needs. I also try to tell GOD I love him everyday, it's crazy, i remember someone telling me that people say that they love GOD, but they have never really said it aloud to themselves, its more of an inner thought, which is not bad by all means, but it is also good to say it out loud. so with that, I LOVE YOU GOD and i plan on showing you more of that love everyday :)

New Book

Along with my mandatory school readings, I have decided to also add some pleasure readings to my never ending list. I was in the library today when I stumbled upon a book called, " How Can I Let Go, If I Don't Know I'm Holding On? I don't know about you, but this book spoke directly to my heart and I just had to get it. Since I have picked up this book, I can't seem to put it down. This is one of the most powerful books that I have read in a long time. The book is broken down into three parts of: Why to let go, What we need to let go, and How to go about letting things go. At first I thought the most important part of this book would be How to go about letting something go, but its not, yes it plays a good part, but the thing that touched me most is WHY? You see i can tell a person what they need to do and how to do something, but if i don't give them a reason for doing something, they are probably not going to do it. We as humans feed off of the whys, were curious people by nature. Also from this book I found a good website called www.explorefaith.org, its very informative and helpful, if you have some free time i would suggest you take a chance to look at it.

8/23/2010 part 2

I'm the type of person whose mind is always wondering everywhere and who is constantly looking at her cellphone awaiting a text. In order to focus I need something to keep myself busy and sadly that shouldn't be the base. I should be able to sit in silence and just relax and i should be able to go a whole day without looking at my cellphone, or better yet not getting disappointed when i don't see a text from a certain someone. Normally I gauge my life in weeks, months and years. Never seconds, minutes, hours, and days. Starting today im going to try and change that. I'm going to slowly have to ween myself off of certain things. For the moment my goal is to just make it through the day, possibly by keeping myself busy with hw, chores, studying, reading the bible or whatever have you. As easy as this sounds its not, 24 hours to me is a LONG time but i am determine to get through this. Maybe i should start making a checklist for everyday or something, kind of like a block schedule....... I also have to stop with my negative thinking because it is not healthy. It has been holding me back from alot of blessings, but I don't want that to happen again, no let me repharse it WONT happen again. I know that I am going to have not so good days but maybe, just maybe my way of thinking can change that. I don't remember who said this quote but " sometimes you have to learn to dance in the rain".

8/23/2010

Lol its so funny, I use to be really against stuff like this, but now I see it as just a way to vent and to share yourself with others. I decided to start doing this because something drastic happen in my life recently and Im trying to cope with the loss of a love one. I'm hoping through this storm that I will be able to develope a better relationship with GOD. Last Saturday I talked to GOD, like i never had before. I literally dropped down to my knees and laid myself before the Lord, in my most vulnerable form. I mean tears, snot, the whole nine. And I really poured out my heart to GOD and just really talked to him, and I mean I think that was my first time really talking to him. Don't get me wrong I have prayed before but this time was different, genuine desires and longings, and pain and every other emotion emitted itself out of me. I use to think that my prayers fell on deaf ears, but not last Saturday, I felt like it was just me and GOD communicating for the first time.  Its true sometimes GOD has to break you down, before you can truly realize who he is. I'm not going to lie and say that today I am just completely healed and me and GOD are the best of friends. NO, it takes time patience, understanding, trust, love and so many other elements. I may not be GOD's best friend yet, but im closer to him than I was before Saturday. And I may not be completely healed of my pain, but I don't hurt as much as i could be if I didn't have him in my life. To anyone who is reading this, life is NOT a microwave, you can't just set a timer for a minute and then everything is ready to go. It's more like a slow cooker, it takes time to develope, but the finishing product is so worth it...... Anyway this is one of MANY post to come, I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you follow me on my journey of loving GOD, loving MYSELF, and loving LIFE.